Understanding the major pieces needed for writing an adoption reference letter will make the process much easier.

“Reference letters are a good way for social workers on that file to understand what the adoptive family is like,” Nancy Goodman, editor at Best Assignment Help and Essay Writer, said. “They provide an external perspective to the family, which is a better-rounded picture of the home situation.”  

Your friend, colleague or neighbor has just asked you to help them in the most exciting time of their life – their adoption journey. This process requires one or more reference letters from people who know the prospective parents well, and this just happens to be you. 

You’re understandably honored and happy to help them make their dream a reality since you think they would be great parents. Once this sinks in, however, it’s normal to feel worried about what to write since this is such an important task. Understanding the major pieces needed for these letters will make the process much easier.  

Why are these Reference Letters Required? 

When a family is planning for adoption, the first step is a home study. This involves doing background checks, security clearances, sharing their medical health information, financial statements, and also providing a home inspection and visit. This varies depending on where the family lives, and also depends on whether they’re adopting internationally or domestically. The process for an adoption from foster care is slightly different as well. In every case, however, a reference letter is required.

A family planning to adopt will be asked to give the agency anything from three to five different reference letters. They are all similar in that the letter cannot be from a family member, so they need to reach out to family friends, colleagues, professors, neighbors, or a member of their church – anyone that can vouch for the prospective parents’ characters.

Step 1: How Do You Know Them?

The adoption letter should start by explaining how you know the prospective parents: where you met, under what circumstances, and how long ago this was. It should explain the relationship you have with one or both of the parents.

Step 2: Describing their Character

After this introduction, you should continue by describing their characters and their strengths. 

“This is where you provide any information at all that may be found useful by the social worker,” Robin McCann, writer at Academized and Essay Help, said. “[Consider] what attributes they may have that would be perfect for adopting and parenting a child and be sure to highlight those in this section.” 

You should provide information about each person in the relationship and then speak about how their marriage is as a whole.

Step 3: Finishing the Letter

Finally, explain what their current parenting skills are like, if applicable, or how you’ve seen them interacting with young children. Finish with a clear sentence indicating your recommendation that these prospective parents should be able to adopt because of their extreme suitability.

What’s important here is to indicate that the family is ready to raise a child, so you have to be honest. Don’t embellish or make things up to make your friend happy, or make things more difficult for the social worker.  Speak honestly and frankly about them as a couple and individuals. You should be clear about whether there is anything that would prohibit them from adopting, and if there isn’t, indicate that clearly.

Step 4: Proofread and Check

It’s crucial that your letter has no spelling mistakes or inconsistencies, so don’t forget to proofread and edit it before you send it off. Some sites have online tools that can help you with this, such as Best Writing Services, Do My Essay Online, Via Writing, Essayroo, and Assignment Writers Australia.

Don’t forget to finish off the letter by including your full name, your phone number, and your address so the social worker on this file can follow up with you if they have questions about anything you addressed in your letter. This may seem like a daunting task, but it’s a small thing you can do for a couple trying to grow their family. 

One mom shares her advice on grieving the children you are not chosen to adopt.

When Greg and Jennifer Wolff decided to grow from a family of three, they opted to pursue adoption through the U.S. Foster Care system.

“It was kind of a dream adoption scenario,” Jennifer said. “From the day that we did our foster parent training to the day that his adoption was finalized was just over a year. Everything went very smoothly, and it was an easy transition. That was our first experience, so we thought all adoption was that easy.”

Thirteen years after adopting Keon, now 15, they are three years into their second adoption. The couple has experienced eight failed adoptions at the Interstate Compact on Placement of Children (ICPC) and selection committee levels, which fall toward the end of the adoption process depending on the state. 

“The biggest heartbreak was back in October, we were chosen for a little girl and got to go meet her,” Jennifer said. “We spent a week with her and fell in love with her. A couple of weeks into the ICPC process, everything broke down, and the caseworker said the other state decided to pull the ICPC because of things that we were very upfront about and had not changed.”

ICPC had fallen through because of the severe weather in Montana, the family’s home state. Other reasons for previous matches that fell through included family members stepping up to take the children in and the Wolff’s learning the child had a condition or past experience they did not feel prepared to handle. 

“All along, any child that we have considered or been considered for, we have always prayed that God would put them in the family that was the best match for that child and if that wasn't us, that would be okay. As much as we wanted to adopt these kids, we wanted them to go to the best family for them, and if that wasn’t us, then that wasn’t us. When it was the right one, God would open the doors and it would fall into place.”

Despite this mindset, there was a grieving process for each potential match. The loss of a potential family member, especially in the case where they got to meet the little girl, is, Jennifer said, like a death in some ways. 

The process of healing from these let-downs varies greatly for everyone and every situation and there are a few common things hopeful parents can do to help themselves through this time. 

Remember Self Care

While everyone experiences the grieving process differently, keeping in mind the value of self care is imperative. Parents need to be healthy enough to focus on their child when they finally come home. After their last adoption failed ICPC, the Wolff’s decided to take a month off of submitting on children and take a break from their adoption journey. They gave themselves permission to not be okay during that time.

“When you have a death, you do what you have to do and you let other people help you. You survive and go day to day until things get a little better and you can start moving back to normal. We had to do that a little bit in this situation too. We had to cut back on a few things and take time to be here and not out trying to help everybody else, but just be us until things calmed down emotionally again.”

Keep the Big Picture in Mind

Support Each Other

Grief can place a strain on a marriage. Shortly after adopting Keon, the Wolff’s had his biological sister in their care. Jennifer was hoping they could adopt her, but Greg did not feel it would work out. When that adoption fell through, they were not in the same place. 

“It was kind of a relief for him because he didn’t think it was going to go through anyway,” Jennifer said. “I suffered, and I felt like I suffered alone. That was hard on us.”

Years later, she says they did not have that same divisive experience with more recent losses. 

“Walking through it together and neither one of us being afraid to say 'I’m having a bad day and I just can’t deal with it right now…' makes it easier. We can lean on each other.” 

They recently joined an adoption and foster parent support group, which is in the formational stages. While they have not formed strong connections there yet, Jennifer said they wish they’d sought out this type of support earlier in the journey. 

“I think it would’ve been helpful to have some bonds with people to walk through it with--people who’d been there too.”

Focus on Your Kids

The Wolff’s took Keon and Hannah, their 18-year-old biological daughter, with them to meet the little girl that did not work out. 

“They struggled, and honestly I would say that they’re still struggling,” Jennifer said. “Sometimes I don’t realize it because they’re teenagers.” 

Hannah sobbed when the adoption fell through. Jennifer said that Keon suffered with them more closely because he still lived at home and saw his parents going through the healing process. 

Keon has been displaying more signs of abandonment than he had before meeting the little girl. His parents have been having to affirm his place in the family more frequently and assess outbursts as part of his grief.

“There’s just some of those things that you have to be really conscious of. Especially with him being 15, when he lashes out with a bad attitude. Sometimes we feel our own emotions and we realize ‘oh, I need this time to grieve,’ but if they’re not showing their emotions that way, it’s hard to understand that they’re grieving too.”

Take Control of What You Can

Hold onto the Hope

“The biggest thing is always the hope of a child,” Jennifer said. 

Soon after their largest heartbreak, AFFEC contacted the Wolffs about being the featured family in their newsletter. 

“We had absolutely no hope that anything would come of it.” 

Three weeks later, they got a call that they were being considered for a sibling group of three. After another two weeks, they were matched. They are currently in the process of reviewing the children’s files and moving toward presentation staffing. While nothing is official, all looks well with this match. 

The family is optimistic, and Jennifer said none of their journey, even the pain, has been a waste. 

“Head into each committee meeting saying ‘I really want to adopt, but if this is not the child that is best for my family, then I’m willing to let go. When you get those ‘no’s,’ it’s still going to be hard, but if you can keep the hope that there is a child that is right for this family, we just have to keep searching, it makes it easier to keep going.”